narcisso

there are people who thinks that your world revolves around them.
literally thinking that all this time you just running around circling them.
they think they're the sun in your universe.

there are people who thinks that they're superstar.
the main cast of the movie called Life.
they think you're just a cameo on it.

there are people who thinks that they're your heart.
thinking that their beats keep you alive.
they think you'll be dead without them.

Terima Kasih, Cinta dan Maaf

tarik napas.. buang.

ada yang bilang yang penting itu perbuatan. but guess what? some things are meant to be outspoken. 

misalnya cinta, terima kasih dan maaf.

yang mana yang paling gampang di ucapkan?

T-E-R-I-M-A K-A-S-I-H = 11 huruf;

C-I-N-T-A = 5 huruf;

M-A-A-F= 4 huruf.

kalau kita hitung dari jumlah huruf, maaf adalah kata yang paling pendek.

gue bukan penulis, tapi gue sangat menghargai kata-kata. khususnya tiga kata diatas.

salah satu dari kata itu gue gunakan sehari-hari lebih dari gue makan nasi. nyaris setiap interaksi dengan orang lain, khususnya orang yang kerjanya melayani. entah itu pembantu, tukang parkir, kasir, dan lain-lain. Gampang ini mah. gampang dirasakan dan gampang dikeluarkan dari mulut. TERIMA KASIH.

kata yang lain sering gue tulis tapi nyaris nggak pernah gue ucapkan. yaaa paling nggak sampai baru-baru ini laah yaa (kepo ya? ciee kepoo ihiy!) canda hahahaha. anyway, kata ini mungkin butuh satu post sendiri, nggak deh, gue rasa kata ini butuh satu blog, bahkan mungkin satu server sendiri! tapi menurut gue, itu bukan karena kata satu ini susah diucapkan, dan bukan juga susah untuk dirasakan. lebih karena susah menemukan akan ke siapa kita ucapkan kata ini. CINTA.

kata yang terakhir ini luar biasa. susah dikatakan, susah diterima. tapi yang paling susah adalah untuk dirasakan oleh diri sendiri. Maaf.

tiga kata diatas ga akan gue ucapkan pada siapapun kecuali benar-benar merasakannya. dan karena itu maaf adalah yang paling susah buat gue.  dan sekali lagi, yang paling susah adalah maaf.

Maaf.

untuk sampai pada kata maaf (gue) harus mengakui kesalahan itu pada diri sendiri. ini yang mungkin paling susah. entah ya mungkin ini cuma gue, tapi sering banget menemukan diri gue membenarkan perbuatan yang salah. dan kalau gue membenarkan perbuatan itu, ya gue ga akan meminta maaf. kan gue bener? tapi salah ya salah. khususnya saat pembenaran itu cuma make sense buat diri sendiri.

pernah kan lo salah tapi merasa bener? dan kemudian lo berfikir, "ya emang sih gue salah.. tapi! blabalabalabalalbala" pernah ga terpikir kalau blablablablabla lo itu cuma pembenaran yang lo buat sendiri padahal  dari awal lo tau lo salah. gue yakin lo nggak baca post ini keras-keras. jadi jawab pertanyaan gue dalam hati lo, ga perlu ada yang tau: 

pernah kah?

 jawaban gue sendiri: SELALU.

blablablabla itu bisa apa aja. most common one would be, "dia yang salah." tapi tau nggak? apa pun yang orang itu lakukan pada lo nggak merubah fakta bahwa lo berbuat sesuatu yang salah ke dia. dan nggak pedui orang itu minta maaf ke elo atau tidak. karena yang lo perbuat ke dia, walaupun lo bilang itu salah dia, tapi itu tetap perbuatan lo sendiri. 

dan lo harus minta maaf. bukan cuma karena orang itu marah, bukan cuma karena orang itu sakit hati bukan cuma karena konsekuensi external macam itu, bukan. tapi karena aktivitas pembenaran atas perbuatan itu akan terus lo lakukan berulang-ulang, terus menerus. dan itu melelahkan. sangat melelahkan. bukan fisik tapi jiwa.

karena rasa bersalah itu beban. dan empat huruf itu ibarat tali. tapi tali yang tanpa katrol. jadilah lo mengangkat sesuatu yang berat ke atas melawan gravitasi. apa gravitasinya? gravitasinya adalah harga diri.

tapi coba deh saat beban itu udah sampai ke atas. lega kan?

minta maaf itu berat kawan, tapi itu mengangkat bebannya. tapi itu membebaskanmu.

i miss you, love.

hello love, how are you?

there are many things i want to tell you, yet no words i could speak to you.

you're on the other part of the world. 5215 kilometers away. 3241 miles away. that's how to put the distance of the land and ocean between us in numbers.

but i remember the words you said last night.

"the distance might be far and wide. but we are inseparable. we are connected. if not by internet connection, then by our thought and feeling."

i know we do.

but, love, I miss you nevertheless.

because no matter how high the resolution of my laptop screen and your web cam, I can't really see your smile like i do with my own eyes. and i can't touch the tip of your nose to make fun of you.

no matter how good the microphone on your laptop and my speaker, I can't hear the way you sighed after laughing, I can't hear the low growling sound you made when you're pissed off.

i miss you.

come home soon, love.

McFLY Experience

Terakhir ngeblog kapan sih? *lirik post terakhir* haha januari, lama juga ya booo! Tapi yaa sejak kapan juga coba gue jadi devoted blogger? Nggak pernah kan? Hehehe. Gue lebih occasional blogger. Haha apa dehh. Oke Beb, fokus! *tepuk pipi sendiri*

oke kalo gue adalah Occasional Blogger, jadi occasion apa yg bikin gue nge-Blog sekarang?

this one gonna be a very long post, so fasten your seat belt people!

Siaap?

Yakin?

Oke, ini dia.. ENG ING ENG!!!! *drum roll*

GUE NONTON KONSER McFLY!!!!!!!!!!

Buat yang ga tau McFLY kasian banget deh lo! mereka itu band dari Inggris. Kalo di sini sih mereka paling dikenal karena bawain You've Got A Friend. Mereka makin dikenal sejak main Just My Luck (yang Lindsay Lohan itu loh). Vokalis dan Gitarisnya Tom Fletcher (paling depan) dan Danny Jones (kanan), Basis Dougie Poynter (belakang) dan Drummernya Harry Judd (kiri). Dan kalo lo mau tau, mereka GANTENG. BANGETTTT! Tapi selain ganteng, lagu mereka juga bagus-bagus.

(cover album Above The Noise)

Ya!! setelah penantian yang cukup panjang, tepatnya sejak gue SMP sampe sekarang gue kuliah semester 2, akhirnya McFLY konser di Jakarta!

Gue tau mereka mau konser di sini dari twitternya @McFLYIndo. Tapi awalnya mereka cuma bilang mau main di L.A Indie Fest di Surabaya, belum pasti ke Jakarta apa nggak. Setelah menunggu beberapa hari, akhirnya mereka konfirmasi mereka bakal ke Jakarta juga tanggal 24- nya.

Begitu tau begitu, gue langsung SMS Chi—temen SMP yang ngenalin McFLY ke gue—dan berhubung ada promo buy one get two, gue nanya dia mau bareng sama gue ga, ternyata dia pake buy one get two-nya buat nyokapnya (iya, nyokapnya concert junkie, metal lah pokoknya si tante!) tapi dia ngenalin gue ke temennya, si Depe, jadi gue tetep dapet promo itu.

Soal tiket: BERES!

Dari sini gue akan membagi blog ini ke beberapa chapter.

Chapter I: STALKING TIME!

Mereka ke Jakarta tanggal 21,Chi ngajak gue nge-stalk mereka hari Jum'at, tanggal 22 nya. Mereka mau tampil di Dahsyat dan setelah itu langsung terbang ke Surabaya—naik pesawat, soalnya biarpun namanya ada kata FLY-nya, mereka belom bisa terbang sendiri, bisanya bikin gue nge-Fly *fokus, beb! Fokus! * ehem!--tapi karena gue udah terlanjur janji ke D'Que buat jalan hari itu dengan sangat terpaksa gue menolak.

McFLY di Dahsyat. sumpah kocak abis.

Tanggal 23 mereka tampil di Surabaya. Dan katanya mereka nyanyi banyak lagu disana. Bener deh kalo gue nggak lagi UTS mah pergi nih gue ke Surabaya. Tapi gue masih punya tanggung jawab lain disini! Jadi meski ga tega, mereka harus tampil tanpa gue (siape lu beb?!)

Chi ngajak gue nge-Stalk mereka tanggal 24nya, bareng sama Depe (temen Buy one get two gue). Gue sempet kepikiran mau ngeprint foto mereka/poster terus minta tanda tangan. Tapi karena waktu yang mepet, akhirnya gue cuma ngegambar muka mereka *itu aja yang danny jelek banget* dan goal gue hari itu adalah buat dapet tanda tangan mereka berempat di gambar gue!

Kita bener-bener nggak punya planning apa-apa. Cuma janjian di rumah Chi jam 8. itu aja gue telat karena gue lupa minggu itu paskah dan buat sampai ke rumah Chi gue harus ngelewatin dua gereja. Begitu sampe kita nggak bisa langsung pergi.

Kita bingung mau ke Airport apa ke hotel. Awalnya gue cenderung mikir ke hotel. Kan mereka pasti ke sana sedangkan kalo ke airport, bisa aja kita miss mereka. Tapi ternyata menurut sebuah sumber, mereka pindah hotel dan hotel yang baru di rahasiakan. Damn!

Akhirnya dengan berpedoman pada tweetnya Tom yang bilang dia masih di hotel dan baru akan berangkat ke airport (dari Surabaya) kita gambling, kita memperkirakan kalau mereka bakal naik Garuda yang 11.36, gate 2F. Berangkatlah kita menuju bandara Soekarno-Hatta sekitar jam 9-an.

Kita menempuh hujan badai dan panas terik untuk sampai disana, ini beneran loh, bukan sok dramatis. Akhirnya kita sampai di bandara sekitar jam sepuluh.

Rada ragu juga karena di sana sepi. Ga ada fansnya sama sekali selain kita. Tapi yaudahlah ya, kita menunggu..

dan menunggu...

terus menunggu........

Akhirnya pesawat yang kita tunggu landing. Tapi nggak ada orang yangk keluar sama sekali. Gue cemas karena inget berita fans nya Bieber yang kekecoh. Kalau sampe nggak ketemu, gue bakal trauma buat ngestalk artis karena ini pengalaman pertama gue.

Lalu saat gue sudah hampir mencapai dasar depresi, Tom lewat di deket tempat ngambil koper. TOM LEWAT DEPAN GUE pake vedora! Dari jauh aja doi udah keliatan ganteng. Tapi gue takut itu cuma fatamorgana gue dan dengan gemeteran gue tanya ke Depe itu beneran Tom apa bukan. Kata Depe itu beneran Tom!

Tapi lama setelah 'penampakan' itu, mereka nggak keluar juga. Tom sempet bolak-balik lagi, tapi cuma dia. Gue dengan paranoidnya berpikir kalau itu cuma umpan. Dan saking lamanya mereka nggak keluar-keluar, akhirnya kita membagi pos penjagaan.

Gue nemplok di kaca Terminal 2F

Chi di luar

Depe diantara kita.

Lima belas menit setelah pembagian itu, Depe nyamperin gue, tapi target belum terlihat. Terus Chi telfon, bilang kalau ada van yang keliatan kayak van yang dipake mereka kemaren (dia liat di foto orang2 yang udah ketemu) gue dan depe berlari keluar, tapi gue akhirnya memutuskan balik lagi.

Nah nggak berapa lama setelah itu, gue melihat Tom dan Dougie dorong troli, gue lari keluar buat nyari Chi sama Depe. Gue teriak manggil mereka tapi nggak ketemu juga. Sementara itu BB gue ga bisa dipake karena loading lemot. Akhirnya gue lari ngejar mereka.

Dan OMG, mereka semua lagi jalan. Gue lari kenceng banget ngejar mereka berempat tapi dihentikan oleh bodyguardnya, “nanti dulu mereka lagi bawa barang,” kata bapak itu nyolot. Gue pun akhirnya melompat-lompat di sebelah di Danny yang dengan sangat ramah nyapa gue, bilang, “hey what's up?” yang cuma gue jawab dengan mesem-mesem kayak orang sakit jiwa sambil ngangguk-ngangguk bego.

Begitu di luar, untung si Depe dan Chi ternyata ngikutin Van yang bener. Sementara mereka nunggu masukin barang, kita bertiga dapet FOTO BARENG, PELUK dan TANDA TANGAN! Apa gue seneng? Gue GIRANG!

Setelah lompat-lompatan dan teriak kegirangan—yang diliatin sama Harry &Dougie (Tom & Danny udah masuk mobil) dan orang-orang yang ada disana, gue buru-buru nyuruh Depe dan Chi balik ke mobil, “cepet balik ke mobil! *bisik kenceng* kita ikutin biar tau hotelnya!”

gue buru-buru keluar parkiran, dan waktu kita liat, van mereka masih di tempat tadi. Gue nunggu di deket gerbang keluar Soe-Hat. Kita liat-liat foto yang tadi dambil bercanda-canda. Foto-foto itu ada itung-itungannya.

Depe-Dougie-gue: kita sepakat foto itu bernilai ½ buat kita berdua. Depe sewot banget karena ga dapet yang cuma berduaan sama Dougie.

Gue Meluk Tom, Depe mukanya mupeng: buat gue foto ini nilainya ½ , soalnya ga ada muka guenya. Buat depe foto ini nilainy ¼. Soalnya dia keliatan mupeng. gue sih ga mau lepas banget deh pokoknya!

Gue-Harry: kalo ini nilainya nggak 1, maka ini nilanya 1½. Soalnya cahayanya oke dan muka Harry kayak lagi foto Pre-wed, melihat kekejauhan gituloh, seakan berkata, “jalan kita masih panjang, sayang.” sayangnya muka gue kayak anak mau mati kegirangan. Awalnya gue ga sadar si Harry ngerangkul gue.

Dan diantara kita bertiga, nilai foto gue yang 2,5 itu paling gede HAHAHAA selain itu gue juga dapet tanda tangan mereka BER-EMPAT di gambar gue. Bisa dibilang gue yang paling beruntung. Apa lagi cuma gue yang ngekor mereka dari terminal.

Goal gue udah kesampean. Mau saat itu langsung ke venue pun gue ga masalah. Tapi kasian Chi dan Depe yang merasa masih ada yang ganjel, jadi kita nungguin mobil Van McFLY lewat. Sayang udah jam satu, kita akhirnya memutuskan untuk langsung ke Venue.

Di sini gue belajar: SABAR ITU BUAHNYA MANIS BANGET :)

Chapter II: THE MOST FUN WAITING IN MY HISTORY

siapa bilang menunggu itu selalu menyebalkan? Kemaren gue sampe ke Tennis Indor jam 2 siang sementara gerbang baru dibuka jam 6. tapi apa gue sebel? Nggak.

Gue ketemu banyak fan McFLY dan mereka semua sangat amat friendly. Kita pun tuker-tukeran pengalaman ngestalk McFLY masing-masing. Ternyata ada tiga orang lain yang nunggu di airport, tapi mereka pulang jam 10-an. Untungnya mereka sempet ketemu di hotel pas tanggal 22-nya.

Terus ada juga cewek dari Singapur, cantik deh, blasteran gitu. Dia Pioneer—sebutan untuk fans McFLY yang bayar bulanan/tahunan ke webnya buat dapet macem-macem Privilege. Kayak M&G, special line, dll—dia kecewa karena ga dapet privilege-privilege itu di sini.

Di juga cerita kalau dia kaget banget sama harga tiketnya. Awalnya dia bingung, “350.000? did i miss-counted the 0-es?” tapi begitu di convert ke Dollar Singapur, ternyata jadinya sekitar 50$-an Singapur. Dan itu murah banget buat dia karena katanya, biasanya konser itu disana paling murah 70$-an. Pas dia tau ada promo buy one get two, dia bilang, “I was, like, it isn't cheap enough?!” Haha!

Terus dia juga cerita tentan Justin Bieber pas tampil di Singapur. Gue ga denger cerita lengkapnya. Pokoknya intinya dia tuh nemenin adeknya, dia bilang gini, “He sang 16 songs, and in 4 of them he just sit down. And he's not even good. He, like, sucks. But my sister was four so..” dan gue ngakak pas dia bilang gitu.

Mendekati jam setengah 6, tiba-tiba terjadi pergerakkan, orang-orang lari ke gerbang. Udah kayak maraton loh! Kita cepet2an supaya dapet ngantri paling depan dan bisa nyabet front row. Hampir satu jam ngantri, akhirnya dibuka.

Kita ngantri lagi di area TIS-nya. Dan semua orang jadi semangat saat sayup-sayup kita bisa denger mereka lagi Check Sound di dalam TIS. Mereka main Lies, semua orang sing-along dalam barisan. It was magical.

Nah di barisan ini gue kenalan sama seorang admin @McFlyIndo, twitternya @danshortyshort, dan anak ini kecil. Dalam arti pendek. Tapi lucu kok. Kita udah ngobrol-ngobrol sebelumnya tapi belum kenal nama.

gue juga kenalan sama Indah dan Myne. Mereka nonton yang di Surabaya dan terus ke Jakarta juga, keren banget. Dalam waktu menunggu ini tiba-tiba kita udah saling ngobrol dan bercanda. Bahkan kita udah ngebully si shorty.

Mereka nggak percaya pas gue bilang gue kuliah semester dua. Katanya muka gue kayak anak SMA. Gue dengan santai bilang, “Iya, muka gue emang kayak anak15 taunan sih.”

Ada cerita lucu. Indah punya satu lebihan tiket dan dia mau ngasih itu ke temennya. Tapi temennya belum dateng dan dia takutnya keburu masuk. Atas saran orang-orang akhirnya dia mutusin untuk nitipin tiket ke mbak yang jaga gerbang. Untuk itu dia nelfon temennya.

Indah: “nanti tiketnya aku titipin ke orang di depan. Nama asli kamu siapa? Biar nanti aku bilang ke orangnya.”

Saat itu sekitar jam delapan lewat. Sementara dia nelfon, gue dan dua orang lainnya lagi ketawa-tawa.

Indah: “Apa arwah?”

kita bertiga langsung diem. Gue merinding, langsung pegangan tangan sama si Myne.

Indah: “oohh Awahh.”

kita bertiga: “HOROR WEEEY!”

bayangin. Cuma dengan satu kesamaan, yaitu rasa suka kita sama McFLY, kita tiba-tiba berasa saling kenal sejak lama. Dan menunggu menjadi sesuatu yang Fun tadi malam. The one who said that waiting is boring, definitely didn't wait with us :)

Chapter 3: THE CONCERT

opening act I: Metro. Vokalisnya ganteng, tapi bedirinya rapet. Haha!

Opening act II: Bonus. Muka vokalisnya nyebelin.

Pas McFLY: AWESOME! Sumpah keren bangett bangett! Gue dapet second row. Di tengah-tengah. Dan gue sama sekali ga nyesel dateng dari siang. Totally mind blowing!

Awalnya gue ga suka-suka banget sama Danny, but seriously? It's hard not to fell in love with you, Mr. Jones! Apa lagi Danny pas banget di depan gue. Cara dia joget goyang-goyang pinggul, ekspresi pas nyanyinya.. DAMN! He's such a heart-rob, it's a crime!

Danny bilang 'terima kasih' beberapa kali dan kita semua langsung histeris. Pas dia bisa ngomong bener, Danny bilang, “Now I'm officially Indonesian!”

pokoknya Danny paling atraktif deh!

Favorit gue dari Danny adalah pas mereka bawain lagu Smile, Danny bilang ke kita, “Show me your Smile!” dia nya nyengir nunjukkin gigi, ah cute abis.

Dougie bilang 'Maf' maksudnya 'maaf'. Dan Dougie gantengnya luar biasa. Lucu banget deh si Dougie. Dia minta kita ngikutin kata-kata dia. Gue ga terlalu inget apa aja. Pokoknya terakhir dia bilang, “Fried Chicken!” terus tangannya nunjuk ke kita dan mukannya itu loh pas kita bilang “FRIED CHICKEN!” mukanya Dougie girang abis.

Tom keren. Beyond words deh. Gue suka banget pas dia sender-senderan sama Danny terus nyium si Danny. Haha!

Harry, oh Harry.. sayang banget sih maen drum ga bisa jalan-jalan. Satu hal yang gue sesali dari dapet tempat pas di depan Danny adalah gue ga bisa sering-sering liat Harry. Kalo Danny ga minggir dikit, Harry ketutupan dia :(

buat opening, mereka bawain Party Girl, pada jogetlah manusia-manusia yang nonton. Gue ga terlalu inget list lagu-lagunya, terlalu keenakan sih. Yang jelas seru banget. Performance mereka kerennnya amat sangat.

Pas encore, mereka nyanyi One For the Radio, dan dengan sangat luar biasa para penonton sing along bagian “WE DON'T CARE!“ Super! Buat closing Shine a light.

McFLYnya luar biasa. Penontonnya juga. Sayang gue bertempat di dekat beberapa cowok yang baru selesai UN dan KAMPUNGAN. Mereka dengan sangat ga jelas dan ngotot, terus-terusn teriak 'RUMPI DEEH' mungkin mereka kira lucu ya? Tapi gangu anjirrr!!

setelah selesai tampil, McFLY pun mulai lempar-lempar macem-macem. Dari mulai air minum, pick gitar sampai handuk. Nah anduk ini bikin lumayan ribut. Soalnya ada orang-orang yang tarik-tarikan. Ada cowo dan cewe yang nggak ada yang au ngalah. Si cewe terus-terusan teriak, “lo kan cowo, ngalah dong. Banci banget sih lo!” tapi apa si cowo ngalah? Nggak tuh.

Si Depe dapet handuknya Harry berdua sama orang lain. Tapi mereka dengan bijaksana memutuskan untuk membagi handuk itu. Iya, anduknya di ROBEK. Hahahaha! Masalahnya adalah si handuk itu tebel euy! Akhirnya gue pake kunci bikin bolongan-bolongan di anduk itu. Padahal ya gue punya cutter loh di mobil. Tapi mereka berdua nggak mau sih keluar. Akhirnya dengan sangat jelek handuk itu kebagi juga. Gue dapet secuil. Dan itu wangi! Hemmmm!

Terima kasih Tom Fletcher, Danny Jones, Dougie Poynter, Harry Judd. Kalian luar biasa.

Terima kasih Chi karena mengenalkan mereka ke gue.

Terima kasih Depe karena mau paroan bayar tiket.

Terima kasih kalian berdua ngajak gue ngestalk mereka ke bandara.

Makasih Dani, Indah, Myne yang udah bikin menunggu menjadi menyenangkan.

Makasih TrilogyLIVE udah bawa empat cowok british ini ke Jakarta.

Makasih Glow Up magazine buat foto-fotonya.

ps: this post will be edited in the near future as soon as i gather some other fan-cam :)

" P "

I know a wonderful boy, ah no, a wonderful man I called P. He is kind and love to smile a lot. But more than anything, he enjoy to see people around him happy.

P was a good friend of mine. One of the best. I knew him for almost 6 months now but I felt like I've known him long before.
He was easy to talked to. In 6 months, he turned from total stranger to a very dear brother. He got all the quality of big brother I ever looking for. Dependable, caring, even disturbing. Funny, silly, many time he prove that he was smart, but the rest of the time he was just as stupid as he looks like. We laugh together on a joke only us understand. With every story, he teach something I didn't know before. for the very first time in my life, I have a best friend that only close to me. Someone who understand me. And someone I thought I understand.

P likes to tell me about his father. I get the impression he admire him very much, but it doesn't meant he really like him. His father was a great man for him. He teach him the right way to living a life.
This story seems stuck in my mind for some reason I can't explain. P told me this some months ago.

When P entered Junior High School he asked his father to gave him a cell phone. His father not easily agreed by this idea. He asked P to make a list about why he need it. So P did. His father read the list and then offered him two choices: 1) His father would buy the cell phone but P must to pay for the prepaid cost by him self; 2) P buy the cell phone by him self and his father would gave him some money monthly to pay the prepaid cost.

His father explained that with new things come new responsibilities. And you must to feel that 'you own' the things to take a good care of it.

His father was a hard man to live with. He could punished his only boy in really bad way. He once made P to took a bath in cold water in the middle of the night because he didn't take one that day. And P also told me his father often use belt from time to time when he made mistake. But P also said that he deserved it. His dad only did that when he thinks P didn't understood why he was wrong and he thinks P would repeat that again.
But despite his way to educate him, his father also love him very much. He always, every single night, entered P bedroom when he already asleep and pray for him next to P's bed. Sometimes P heard him, he would pray for P's future. For P's happiness, for P's success. He did this every single night since P have his own room.
P didn't like his father for his hard way of punishment. But P love his father for everything he had done and not do for him because he made P someone P himself proud to be.

P have a picture of a very pretty woman in his wallet. He told me she was his mother. She died when he was 12. P didn't talk much about her, but by the way his eyes seem softened every time someone mentioned the word Mama, I get the feeling of how much he misses his mother.

P doesn't really comfortable around girls. I think its because he never get use to us in his early life. When he was kid, his mother already sick a lot. And P got no sister. All he have was his father. The only thing his father told him about girls is for him to respect them. And like every thing his father told him, P did that.

P have amazing relationship when he was in high school with his one-year junior. He loved her so much but like every story, this one has it own ending. After 22 months of togetherness, his girl friend asked him to stop date her because she can't stand that now he already graduated. P loves to see people around him happy. And if this relationship didn't made her happy, even if it was hard for him, he respect her and let her go.
He still keep the gifts she gave her, a bottle filled with the paper star where in each of them there's a love quotes she wrote and fold all of it by her self. And there's also a watch P used to wear all the time. And there are thousands picture of them hang around his bed room wall. Yes he still keep them until two moths ago.
Two months ago P told me he put all their photographs in a box. He put the box on the store room. He now use another watch beside the watch she gave him. But he still keep the bottle of star because he valued her ex- effort of it.
I always beside him but I didn't notice this change. I never went to his room so I didn't know he threw all the pictures away if he never tell me. The only thing I noticed was his watch and when I asked where was his usual watch he said he got bored and his father gave him the new one.
I was stupid. He was moving on. I was stupid to didn't get it. I was stupid to didn't know how. I was stupid to didn't know who.
And some weeks ago someone told me that he possibly like me a lot more than I thought he did. And I don't even deny it. I realize I was too stupid before, too stubborn to think we just a very good friend who share the same taste of jokes, same taste of musics, and same taste of books and films.
I've mentioned that I was stupid, right? But the most stupid things I did would be how I react to that. How I avoid every contact we usually have. Why? Because I was afraid that he like me the different way I like him. And if I was stupid for that, the way he handle this was even more mental. It was the most dramatic couple of days I ever been through.

But tonight, finally we sort this things out like a normal person, someone we never be, would do. We talk over the phone. It was quite tense.

First he told me about the whole story behind his watch change, how he removed the pictures on his room. He figured out that I already knew his feeling, but he said it anyway. Say that he likes me. I said that I was happy for his feeling but I explained how I couldn't accept it. I thought this gonna turned into a fight but he was so calmed and relax.

He was my big brother again tonight, someone I was comfortable to be with. Someone I can have a real conversation with. He offered me to forget about his feeling and go on like we used to. But when I asked if he would really forget his feeling for me, he paused. and since the very start I knew we must to lost this things between us.

I was crying when I said he shouldn't be nice to me again. I was crying when I asked him to keep some distance from me until he has sorted his feeling. And I remembered my stomach felt weird when I heard he said "if that's makes you happy, I'll do that."

See? I know a great man I called P Who would do anything to make people around him happy. He was my best friend, and I can't wait to start to be his best friend again :)

for Pepo, I believe we will have even better friendship than this one some day.